Just A Piece of Paper

Earlier this week the death of my spouse became official, although I do not have a Certificate of Death in hand, as of yet.

When someone disappears, even when the evidence is overwhelming that they have perished, you cannot immediately proceed as if they were dead.

You must, at least in the State of Alaska, go before a jury, present evidence that would lead someone to reasonably come to the conclusion they have died.

Six people sat in a courtroom earlier this week for part of a day. They listened to an attorney present a timeline of events, witnesses and representatives of organizations who searched, pictures, documents and other details. Included in all of this was my testimony. As the attorney stated it was the first time I had spoken publicly of the events. They preformed a service that I am thankful for, including the hugs and condolences they offered when we were done.

The jury was allowed to ask questions of the witnesses, and they did.

At the end of all the presentations they went into the jury room to  make a decision and come back into the courtroom to make it public.

They agreed it could be presumed there was a death.

Now those of us who loved him can take one more step in healing. I am not sure I can say ‘closure’ as there is no body to mourn. No answers as to what happened or how, or even when exactly.

It might be “just a piece of paper” but hopefully it will continue to make the difference it has the last few days.

The tears have not stopped. The “hole” has not been filled but hopefully, little by little, more healing will happen.

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Some Good, Some Not So

This weekend, although most times there,is little need to pay attention to what day it is this time of year, has been one of mixed successes.

As much as you might plan to accomplish something grief has a way of showing up to disrupt plans. I could not get past lots of memories and feeling totally unable to think clearly, the most frustrating aspect for me, for one full day this weekend. This is unusual for me as I push had to not allow myself to just ‘wallow’ in tears or sadness.

Thank heavens by the end of the weekend my mood had turned around. Seeing the snow capped mountains a mere 20 miles or so away, the river still running freely, a smattering of sun peaking out of clouds and miles of beauty my soul can do nothing but heal a little more